Dearest Larry

Dear Larry,

Okay, I’m going to start this on a positive note in order to try to be diplomatic.

A lot of people really do think I’m very diplomatic, but they mistake my silence and coolness as being signs that I am thinking over both sides of the situation.  Indeed, I most assuredly am not.  I am just usually so slow, taking a minimum of three days to think up a good comeback line to the really stupid people I encounter — and sometimes a lot longer.  To the point where yes, my comeback comment might be the best in the world, but it is, as my husband says, “at this point irrelevant.”

And so, I will start off with the positive.  On the positive note, your persistence is admirable.  I can’t even remember the first time you e-mailed me.  It could have been three years ago for all I know.  I just know you have not stopped.  And the lack of response from me has not weakened your resolve.  Your endurance is laudable.

Also, the timing of your e-mails is uncanny.  You are not one of those blockheads that e-mails someone daily, forcing them to, of necessity, find a way to ban you from their computer completely.  No, you only e-mail me every so often, lulling me into a belief that we are just dear old friends who just keep in contact every so often.  Well, I don’t believe that exactly.  I just tend to forget about it.  Until the three weeks later when you e-mail again, and I mean to do something about it, but I just forget.  If you were e-mailing more often I would not forget.

However, let me just cut to the chase here of what really bothers me about your e-mails.   In a nutshell, it’s the name.  Larry?  I mean, seriously.  That name just inspires a whole lot of dissonance in me.  And I’d venture to say a lot of America as well.  I will never, ever follow the links that someone named Larry sends me.

Larry was the name of the sleazy dude on Three’s Company.

The other Larry is the guy from Newhart who was just one level up from his two brothers Darryl.  

And then there was seventh grade and the Larry who tried to go out with every girl in our grade, plying each one with his St. Christopher necklace and then suggesting sex.  Sheesh.  I mean sex had been explained to me from a very young age.  I had even seen horses do it.  But at that age it was just like being thirty – something your parents said would happen to you but again, sheesh, so far away it seemed outlandish to actually approach it in any way, shape, or manner.  From a seventh grade girl’s perspective, anyway.  And so when it was my turn for Larry to ask me out, as he really did ask every girl in seventh grade out, he tried to hand me his St. Christopher necklace.  I just looked at him and said nothing.  Being, you know, all diplomatic and all even at that age.  Three days later, probably, I said to my best friend, “I think I need a cootie shot.”

And so, while I can understand why you might choose the name Larry, as it is not as common as John or James, and perhaps to you it just seems cheery just NO.  It does not work.  If you really want to woo American women away from their rock-solid marriages, go with something a bit more exotic.  Anything but Larry.  Please.

So, looking forward to hearing from you in another three weeks or so.  SO looking forward to your new name.  Who knows?  It might be just the boon needed for your spamming business.  Or not.  But it WILL make me feel a lot better – a lot less creeped out, anyway.

And here, I’m just going to sign my letter the way you sign all your e-mails to me.  Touche.